I titled this post the same as the name of the blog because I want to explain myself and my reasoning behind the title in the first place. It may sound kind of self explanatory, but I still feel the need to get some of this off my chest I guess. Anytime I decide to blog I always think, " no one really cares about what you have to say." And that may be true, but I do it for two reasons.... one, I just want to write it down, and two... maybe, just maybe, some of it resonates and is something you struggle with also. Romans 1:12 says "that we may be mutually encouraged by each others faith." I know that to be true when we share in each others lives personally, so why not in the written word?
Failures.... Fears..... and Faith.....
Most of my life I have struggled with feeling like a "failure." I know the enemy uses this against me all the time. I KNOW his schemes, I KNOW how to fight him, and I KNOW how to live in victory, so WHY do I still give in to all of it sometimes? I was thinking last night about "Hinds' Feet on High Places," and how Much Afraid's enemies (Bitterness, Resentment, and of course Self- Pity) would shout to her from a distance, and how she would limp and fall when she listened to their voices, and how once she learned to "put cotton in her ears and sing praises," she got victory. Oh, I have lived in victory, and it is wonderful. For some reason at this moment, I am struggling with the voices!
I also sat down in the floor with my Bible last night and looked up the word "failure," it isn't there.
So, I read the verses that help me refute the lies! Some of my favorites:
"You have NOT handed me over to the enemy, but have set my feet in a spacious place." Ps.31:8
"You are my hiding place, you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance." Ps. 32:7
And my favorite...
"I lift up my eyes to the hills...Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will NOT let your foot slip- he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. the Lord watches over you-- the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. the Lord will keep you from all harm- he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over our coming and going both now and forevermore." Ps. 121
There are lots more, but I know that He is there! I do not want to live a life feeling like a failure. There are things done which can not be undone....choices... decisions.... We all have them. When I listen to the voices of self- pity, bitterness and resentment, I am miserable.
Todd and I had dinner the other night with one of our pastors, and he asked me if I had forgiven myself. I told him I was pretty sure I had, and I knew God had forgiven me. However, as I have thought and prayed on it, I am pretty sure I have not. I also am not sure how to go about that! Little by little I guess, and praying it through.
I have never considered myself to be a "fearful" person. There are certain things that I do "fear" though. I am pretty sure that the other day when I had my "epiphany," that they are all related to the whole "failure" thing. They are fears that are completely unfounded and really silly.
Ps. 34:4 says, I sought the Lord and he delivered me from all my fears." So, that is my prayer. I really do feel like a mess and wonder how in the world I ever thought I "had it all together." I wonder how He can ever use me? I do KNOW " In repentance and rest is my salvation and in quietness and trust is my strength." Is. 30:15
So, it all comes down to FAITH.... Yes, I may feel like a failure at times, and yes, I may have silly fears, but my trust is in the only one that can heal me, love me and understand me. "Now FAITH is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see..... and without FAITH it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe he exists, and he rewards those that earnestly seek Him. " Heb. 11:1, 6
Faith is an action.... I have to choose to believe Him and not the enemy. It all sounds so easy when I put it on paper. Life is complicated.
Todd wrote a letter, but I call it a "poem" and it says it all. I hadn't planned on typing it here, but I am. It is a little long, but typing only a portion is not good enough. God has been doing amazing things in our life. His hand is at work in ways I can't even imagine. I know the enemy wants to keep me in a "bad" place because of what God is up to. Please pray that I can (and I will) overcome and be victorious once again.
Leaving everything behind is not so hard to comprehend when one is blind.
Learning to see though dark lies requires believing God all of the time.
Once He opens our eyes we tend to run and hide
back in the darkness where believing lies
comes as no surprise.
Remaining true to His promises God allows learning through pain...
learning as a babe walking on hand and knee
Filling the bottle with God's will gives the nutrients for strength.
Wanting more too fast equals no growth- only pain
Waiting patiently upon the Lord results in positive gain.
Humbled once again...
struggling to retain God's full potential blessings...
feeling tired and ashamed.
The Dark Lies trip me as I lose site again.
Falling back in the darkness.. fails me once again.
Believing the dark lies remains my demise!
Longing for forgiveness for my choices made were poor
only the Lord lovingly lifted me again.
Standing firm on His promise...
Forgave me once again.
Rejoice in all the earth for good may come and go with the wind,
but God's path for me prevails,
through Jesus Christ He forgives all sin.
Now I can see through the storm clouds of life,
For I have learned patience through God's patience with me
Many chances given and much time wasted is not all I see.
Although, I wish I would have listened close the first time,
so more Glory, Praise and Honor had been received....
thank you for all my bad choices and four billion and one mistakes
allowing me to see the fullness of your Grace.
Loving me, comforting me, believing in me when I failed.
Father of all creation, thank you for always keeping your promise.
Even when I strayed away for only worthless, meaningless, selfish gain,
by my side you still remain.
Loving me as if I never went astray.
Restore me O Lord I pray, Reshape me for your teachings , so I may teach your True promises
while praising your Holy Name.
Lift me up O Lord from this Dark Pit,
consume all left in me for only Godly use
Restore order and consistency back in my life O Lord,
so shall I put You first and submit my life as a vessel of education and information
of your Greatness.
I bow humbly before you O Lord...
I long for you to teach me, embody me so your voice speaks through me.
I shall seek your desire and listen for whispers of goodness,
forming a new hope for living,
and pursue selfless love..all in your honor.
King of all Kings, Lord of all Lords, Most Gracious and Loving God,
In Jesus name I ask these things, and may my life begin to truly change in a direction that only serves you Forever! Amen
And AMEN.... I thank God for Todd. Last year when he wrote this, I know he was talking about himself, but as the Lord told me to find it the other day... it is now for me. Maybe it is for you too.
May it be a prayer for us all.
